What’s a sommelier? It’s basically a dude or lady who pretends like they know a lot about a specific type of food or drink. In fact it used to mean “officer in charge of provisions”. You may have heard of wine sommeliers, but you’d be surprised to find out what other parts of our everyday lives require a sommelier. Let’s begin!
Oh wow, someone can drink coffee and tell one roast from another? How fascinating! I mean, really? A coffee sommelier? Sounds like a perfect job for a hipster but who would hire… Oh, of course, Nespresso! Here’s their Coffee Sommelier job description: “Because of the many parallels between coffee [sic] and wine, it seemed indispensable to match the expertise of gastronomy and wine professionals [sic] with the expertise of coffee professionals [sic]”. Yeah, sure, many parallels. But. Believe it or not, it’s still not the worst thing on this list.
Hot Sauce Sommelier
First of all, this is not a legit job title. There’s this one insane dude in Williamsburg, who decided to one day quit his day job, and become the master of hot sauces! He even opened his own store with a tasting room. Thankfully you can’t take classes to become a hot sauce sommelier, and get a certificate, but it does sound pretty stupid.
Try and guess what country has the highest concentration of “vodka sommeliers” per capita? You’re damn right – it’s Russia! Meet the only (living) professional alcoholic~ uuuuhm, I mean, “Vodka Sommelier” – Viktor Korneev. Sure, it might be useful to know at what temperature to keep your booze, and what pickled food item you should eat as a chaser, when you’re in Russia, but, get this, there are already vodka sommelier classes in the US!
Not unlike the “vodka sommeliers”, this one’s just for kicks. Probably. I mean, I hope it is, otherwise, what the hell? Also, are there beer sommeliers somewhere out there? There SHOULD be!
All I can say is – at least it makes more sense than the coffee sommelier. Look, coffee will never be as good as tea. Ever. It makes your breath stink, it upsets your stomach, it basically sucks as anything but a laxative. Teas, however, are legit! Not legit enough for me to pay $3000 for this dumb course, but still legit.
Soft Drinks Sommelier
Do you want to be able to tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi? Or, how about Coke Zero and Diet Coke? Then you should ask Kathrine Larsen how she does it! Just in case you’re a regular person, who can tell those drinks apart anyway, don’t waste your time on this BS. So, let’s see, we’ve had coffee, tea, alcohol, soft drinks… what’s left? Freaking water? Hahah! … Are you serious?
You’ve got to be kidding me… Apparently, there’s actually a guy out there, trying to impress people with his knowledge of water. Bloody hell, this is not a joke! Martin Riese came from Germany straight to Los Angeles in the mid 2000’s, wrote a book on water, and it tastes differently, and is now probably making more money than you and me both.