Well, hello again! Under normal circumstances, I would be responsible for writing my own articles. But today is different because, ladies and gentlemen, I have with me a very special guest: an octopus who swam in from the ocean so that he may enlighten you with facts about himself! I would first like to note that I’ve put octopuses on notice because I don’t appreciate the fact that they’re such greedy arm-hoarders. Seriously. Why do they need so many of them while armless snakes and snails got such a raw deal? But I’m willing to keep an open mind and maybe even add octopuses to my “friends” list. We’ll just see how it goes. So anyway, take it away, Mr. Octopus!
1. Three of Hearts
Aside from not being satisfied with just a few arms, we also believe that having only one heart is for knuckleheads. So we acquired three of them: two small hearts close to the gills that enrich the blood with oxygen before moving it up to our large heart, which pumps this refreshed blood to the rest of our bodies.
2. I’m Like Einstein, But Only Sorta
We octopuses might be silly-looking, but that doesn’t mean we’re stupid. In fact, we are regarded as the most intelligent invertebrates. We can open bottles to extract the contents, and even use tools to open shellfish so that we can devour the weird (but delicious!) goo that dwells within.
3. Parenthood Kills Me
We don’t live particularly long. In fact, the average lifespan of an octopus is between 1 and 5 years. It all has to do with the fact that we’re like, “Being a mom and dad sucks. I’m out of here.” Seriously. After a male octopus savors his several seconds of octopus sex, he wanders off and dies. Meanwhile the female says goodbye to the world after her children hatch and ask if they can borrow her credit card. We’re deadbeat parents, guys.
4. Let’s Go Take a Walk
I enjoy taking strolls on the seafloor. Swimming is pretty awesome and if you’re super good at it you can even shine at the Olympics. The point is, my heart stops pumping blood to my organs when I swim, so walking takes less of a toll on my body. Kind of weird though. I’m going to die soon anyway, so why should I care?