Guys, most of us dream of getting into good shape. Of course, based on all the studies that show that obesity is on the rise, the six-packs and healthy body weight will remain just that: a dream. But we’ve come up with a novel idea: what if you’re within the normal range but actually want to gain an extra chin or two and fit into those XXXL shirts? Then this article is just for you! Here is a list of ten foods that help you reach your goal of getting really large in just a few months.
1. Processed Foods
Say, are you into complex industrial methods of cooking? We’re talking about all those weird preservatives and chemicals that they add to bread to make it soft and last for weeks. Or all that stuff that they put into lunch meats. If you’re looking to pack on some real non-quality pounds, seek out crackers, cookies, Fruit Roll-ups, and any food that contains ridiculous amounts of sodium and fat, and strips out all of the good things like fiber.
2. Sugary Drinks
If you want to look one step closer to Jabba the Hutt, might we suggest chugging a few bottles of soda? Two liters of Pepsi or Coke contains just as many calories as one and a half Big Macs. Oh, and by drinking Mountain Dew or Fanta Orange, not only are they loaded with sugar, you can also get your dose of brominated vegetable oil, which is pretty much just as scary as it sounds. If you live in places like Japan or Europe, we have some bad news. Unlike in America and Canada, brominated vegetable oil is banned there because of its potential health risks. Just one more reason to visit America, right?
3. Peanut Butter
A spoonful of peanut butter on whole grain toast is actually a healthy option for breakfast. But for the purposes of this article, healthy is not the goal. So give in to your temptation and just eat the entire jar, guys. It contains over 2,600 calories (30% above the recommended daily intake) and 224 grams of fat. It’s the perfect compliment to an evening of binge watching an entire season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Goodness. Where to even begin with this? Donuts are bleached white flour deep fried in vegetable oil, coated in sugar and a variety of sweet goo, and filled with cream. Oh, it’s so good though. Some people have a donut before they go to work, but our advice is to eat at least a dozen Long Johns and head straight back to bed.
It’s been shown that dark chocolate in moderation has health benefits such as lowering cholesterol levels and providing you with antioxidants. Today we’re throwing moderation out the window though. In fact, if you really want your pants to really tighten, go for white chocolate. It contains absolutely none of the good qualities of dark chocolate. It’s nothing but sugar and fat.
Potatoes have kind of gotten a bad rap because it contains so much starch. The truth is, much like any type of natural food, potatoes aren’t all that evil. They contain more potassium than a banana. It is also a good source of vitamin B6 and half of your daily value of vitamin C. Yikes! That sounds like healthy! Don’t worry. Just load that sucker up with a boat load of sour cream, gobs of cheese, and a generous portion of fried bacon.
7. Cooking Oils
Canola oil and olive oil are ideal for cooking because they contain heart-healthy Omega-3 fats. So ditch them and opt for corn or soybean oil! These contain dangerous Omega-6 fats that have been linked to heart disease and accelerated aging. As they say, “A shot of corn oil a day keeps the doctor coming back.” We just made up that quote, but it’s pretty much true.
Pizza is yet another food that can be good for you if you have some will power and can limit yourself to a slice or two. What good is will power though? Forget about it and order a large Meat Lovers pizza from Pizza Hut and add a double portion of cheese. Just make sure to loosen your belt a few notches.
9. Anything Fried
Man, everything tastes so awesome when you fry it. Even broccoli. Probably. If your goal is healthy living, there is never a reason to deep fry anything. But if we want to gain 100 pounds in time for the holiday season, go ahead and fry that cauliflower, and those onion rings, and mushrooms, and Snickers bars.
10. Ice Cream
The beauty of ice cream is that there is literally no way to make it healthy. You might be saying, “But what about fat free frozen yogurt? Or even fat-free ice cream?” Hahahaha! Sorry for laughing at your face, but you sort of deserved it. When it comes to ice cream in its genuine form – in all its sugary and fatty glory – there is no substitute. So help yourself to a carton of Oreo ice cream. Also make sure to add as much chocolate syrup as humanly possible.