We guys might leave the impression that we are strong, confident and even invincible, but when it comes down to it, we’re just as fearful as kittens when it comes to some matters. In fact, whether it’s relationships, work, or animals, we can be downright cowards. But we aren’t apologizing for it because we’re only human. With that in mind, here’s a look at the 10 things that scare men the most.
9. Commitment
When a guy finds himself in a committed relationship, it’s no longer all about him. Now he actually has to tidy up his place, including making sure the Frisbees that he uses as nacho plates are properly washed. It also means less time for drinking pretentious apricot spice IPA craft beer with the guys, and more time being tender with the girlfriend he met on Tinder. Want to watch the Broncos game? Too bad. She wants to watch the Kardashians. That’s called compromise, so get used to it. Other things you’ll need to remember to do: Shave off that weird goatee thing. Iron your shirts for a change. Protect her by killing that little moth on the ceiling. All of this feels scary as hell…and it is!!!
8. Job Security
You’re a guy with a wife, two children, a mortgage, and all sorts of other responsibilities. And probably a sports gambling addiction, although you insist things are under control now. So it’s understandable to feel anxious during times of financial and economic uncertainty. You’re just another cog in the machine called “Harvey-Millford Cardboard Manufacturing Inc., Accounts Receivable Department.” If you get laid off – or worse, people stop ordering cardboard from your employer and the entire company goes under – you could find yourself in dire straits. Or even drumming for the rock group Dire Straits. Yikes! Their music was cool in the 80s, but what have they done lately?
7. Fatherhood
When you’re a dad, you want the best for your children. Failure is not an option, and this can be terrifying. For instance, what happens if Little Suzie only gets a 90% on her 2nd-grade math problem set? She can probably kiss those Harvard dreams goodbye. Think your 10-year-old son is going to be the next LeBron James? Timmy Jr’s shooting mechanics are atrocious, and his inability to defend the paint and pull down rebounds is pathetic, so good luck with that!
6. His Significant Other’s Secret Double Life
She’s got a Rover that you damn well know she can’t afford? Sounds more like grand theft auto! She has admitted to stealing a mattress from her roommate back in Boulder? Depending on how much it cost, she’s looking at a possible felony charge. You ain’t ever getting older? That’s straight-up Twilight vampire stuff right there. Your wife or girlfriend might act all sweet and innocent, but every man fears that deep down, she’s operating a multi-billion dollar ponzi scheme that preys on susceptible elderly innocents.
5. The Voices In His Head
The day starts off like any other day. Then all of a sudden the voices in a guy’s head command him to drop what he’s doing and head to the nearest Burger King to chow down on a triple Whopper and a side of chicken fries, knowing full well that this is way too much food for even the manliest of men to handle. The voices grow more and more assertive. “I realize the lawn really needs to be mowed, but Minecraft is so much fun!” “That money is meant for doing laundry, but it’s Tuesday afternoon and you’re out of beer, so…” His inner voice offers nothing but terrible advice, and that’s just…terrible.
4. Ghosts
There isn’t a guy on the planet who doesn’t have a deep fear of ghosts. First of all, they make those spooky “boo” sounds in the dark, which is when a guy feels most unprotected. They also float around looking like white sheets, which is especially terrifying for scientifically-minded fellows who understand this literally flies in the face of physics. But take comfort in knowing that most ghosts are just disgruntled old men in disguise who would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
3. Barn Owls
On the surface, barn owls appear cute. But men know in their heart of hearts that barn owls are evil and soulless. Ever hear a flock of baby barn owls hiss and sway when you approach? It sounds like legions of ghosts calling out from the Great Abyss. In addition, barn owls gobble up mice alive. That’s entirely impolite! To make things worse, once finished they vomit out the bones. Barbaric! Plus they’re using up all the trees; the very trees that could be used to make the furniture you sit on and the firewood that keeps you warm and toasty in the winter. If that’s not a sign of narcissism, nothing is!
2. Goats
Any guy who has spent a significant amount of time in an Eastern European village knows that the local goats are not to be messed with. If you dare approach, they will shoot you the look of death with those slitty goat eyes. They might look innocuous as they munch on the grass and old aluminum cans, but secretly those cunning devil-faced, cloven-hoofed beasts are plotting to take over the local communities one courtyard at a time.
1. Getting Dunked On
September 25th, 2000 is a day that lives in infamy if you’re a basketball fan. That was the night that NBA star Vince Carter dunked on 7-2 French center Frédéric Weis. Weis was so utterly posterized that when he dies, this will be the first thing mentioned in his obituary. As a man, we all fear the possibility of getting dunked on, whether it’s during a pickup game at the YMCA, or when your boss, upon approaching your cubicle, soars through the air and teabags you for no good reason.
