Given the recent events, it’s quite hard to look at Russia as anything but a big bully and a terrorist state. Their soldiers barely hold their positions, while Putin hides in some deep underground bunker, deciding whether to off himself now or wait for the bounty hunters to knock on his door.
Over the centuries, Russians took part in countless battles, but it’s important to know that not all of them ended well. Let’s remind ourselves of some of Russia’s biggest military failures!
1. Battle of Kalka River — Kyivan Rus vs. Mongols (1223)
Let me preface that Kyivan Rus was a precursor to modern Russia and many other European nations. The Rus was a sort of a confederation of princes centered around the city named after prince Kyi — hence, Kyiv (not Kiev). Basically, it was a European Union but with horses, spears, and arrows. In the XIII century, the Mongols captured smaller kingdoms left, right, and center. One day the Mongols sent their messenger to Kyiv, letting the princes know they should kneel before the Horde. The princes scoffed at the supposed threat and killed the poor messenger. How dare these Mongols threaten the noble princes? Long story short, the nobility gathered a great army and beat the living crap out of surprisingly underwhelming Mongol forces. But the proto-Russians got greedy and followed the retreating invaders, only to be ambushed and killed by the Horde. Even those who surrendered were slain and buried right under the camp. Absolutely brutal!
2. Moscow Under Siege — Moscow vs. Mongols (1382)
120 years after the battle on the Kalka River, Moscow rose up from the swamps and even started to look like a promising little city, but it was still under Mongol rule and was governed by a puppet noble — prince Dmitriy Donskoy. One day, Dmitriy got really fed up with being ordered around and decided to kill some Mongols. Such actions only angered the Asian overlords, and they sent their version of the Terminator, Prince Tokhtamysh, to teach Dritriy a lesson. He kept Moscow under siege for three gruesome days and then waved a white flag. The half-witted Moscovites rejoiced and opened the gates, only to get slaughtered by Tokhtamysh’s swordsmen. Oh, by the way, Donskoy was not even in Moscow at the time, but when he came back, all he saw was charred corpses and his beloved city razed to the ground.
3. Crimean War — Russia vs. the Ottoman Empire, France, and Britain (1853-1856)
Many of you will find this particular case to be very interesting. In 1853, Russia was so worried about the Orthodox Christians in Crimea, which was a part of the Ottoman Empire, that they decided to just roll in and free the poor citizens from the evil sultans. The Turks did not find such action delightful and declared war on Russia. France and Britain also got involved, as they understood the stakes of this war. If not stopped, Russia would spread its “peace” all over the world! Leaving out the combat details, let’s just say that Russian forces lost over a million soldiers and all of their ships stationed in the Black Sea. They did come back for Crimea in 2014 and will soon be kicked out like the mangy dogs they are.
4. World War I — Russia vs. Germany (1915)
Unable to destroy England and France in the West, sneaky Germans decided to at least mess up Russia in the East. They kept holding their positions in Galicia until a buttload of artillery cannons and soldiers were transported from the Western front. The attack was quick and deadly, resulting in a complete wipeout of Russian forces. 140,000 people became prisoners while somewhere under a million were either dead or injured. The remaining Russians ran East, leaving all of Poland and Lithuania for the Germans.
5. The Battle Of Grozny — Russia vs. Chechnia (1994-1995)
Grozny was a bloodbath. At first, the Russian general Grachev boasted about taking over the city with just a squad of paratroopers. But as he eventually realized, even 38,000 soldiers and hundreds of tanks would not be enough to break the spirit of the brave Chechens. The general did not think the battle plan through, which resulted in a two-year-long slog for the Russians and unfortunately ended with a total decimation of Grozny. Russian airforces bombed the city to intimidate the resistance fighters, but the bombs messed up the roads so badly no tank could traverse them. No tanks — no artillery support. In short, the general effed up, is what I’m saying. Russian orcs didn’t know the city like the Chechens did and were often ambushed and killed. In mere hours, the Chechen resistance destroyed over 400 tanks and armored vehicles, not to mention thousands of soldiers.
6. Russian Invades Ukraine (2022)
28 years after being humiliated by the Chechens, the Russians invaded Ukraine to “denazify the country and prevent the genocide of the Russian language.” At least that’s Putin’s official story which nobody but the brainwashed Russians actually believes. While the war is still going, it’s clear that Putin’s goons bit off way more than they can chew. According to the plans seized from a captured soldier, this was supposed to be a 3-day blitzkrieg. In and out before the dinner. The Russians truly believed that if they started bombing civilians, the whole country would roll over before the new ruler. Well, tough cookies! In 25 days after the invasion started, over 14,000 Russian soldiers died, thousands of military vehicles and jets were burned to a crisp, and what’s even nastier — thanks to all those sanctions, the Russian economy is collapsing faster than a shooting star. Even if by some wild accident they manage to “win” the war, they’re still the losers. Always have been, always will be.
Glory to Ukraine!
