Guys, we need to have a talk. I know that growing up is hard. But at some point we have to start being responsible. This means not eating Lucky Charms for dinner anymore just because you can. Or sitting in a shopping cart while your friends push you around your local Wal-Mart. Also, can you do me a favor and start hanging up your clothes instead of letting them pile up on your bedroom floor? It’s time to get classy. You can still play Madden or NBA 2K with your brahs, okay? That will be our compromise. But things are going to change from here on out. We’re going to snazz up your home so that the ladies know you’re a normal dude and not some kind of bozo who thinks they live in a hamster cage. Take a look at our list of 6 essential things to buy for your home.
1. A Tool Set
Listen, we’ve got nothing against duct tape. They’re fine for patching up water hoses in the backyard, for instance. But for the love of God, stop using them to fix up your furniture and appliances! Get yourself a hammer. A screwdriver. Some screws, bolts and nails. A wrench. Invariably, you will need to fix things around the house at some point, so you might as well buy the necessary tools and prepare to unleash the handyman from within!
2. A Few Lamps
Is your home ridiculously, glaringly bright? Or perhaps you live in creepy, dimly-lit apartment full of dark corners. Those make for idea places for hiding your secrets, but nobody is ever going to want to visit you, all right? The best solution is to buy several lamps of varying types and heights. We’re talking floor lamps, desk lamps. They can really work wonders by not only creating a cozy, illuminated vibe, but they also make your place look cleaner. Don’t be afraid to mix things up. Oh, and get some strobe lights!!! No, please don’t.
If your home resembles a vast, lonely wilderness full of open spaces, why not spruce things up by adding a few art decorations? We aren’t suggesting that you hang up a Monet. Well, unless his paintings float your boat, in which case we are. Feel like putting up a poster of the Ultimate Warrior as a way of honoring his bat-shit insane memory? By all means, decorate however you want! But please, please, please put it in a frame. We’re not college freshmen anymore. As an added bonus, the velvet painting of a sad clown that you found at a flea market makes for a great conversation starter when you’re hosting friends.
4. High Quality, Solid Colored Towels
Pause from reading this article for a second and take a look at your bathroom towels. If you dare. Okay, come back and tell us what you saw. Cheap-ass, threadbare towels? A St. Louis Cardinals beach towel that you think serves as a perfect compliment to your bathroom towel collection? Shame on you! And double shame for being a Cardinals fan. Invest in some good 100% cotton towels. Choose solid colors, understood? Towels with clown face patterns are just weird and disturbing.
5. A Mattress and Boxspring Set
Still sleeping with your mattress on the floor? We need to do something about your Bedroom of Sadness. We can start by propping your mattress onto a box spring! Actually, invest in a new mattress first. Yes, a high-quality mattress isn’t exactly cheap. But it’s totally worth the investment for so many reasons, and not just because it indicates that you aren’t 12 anymore. You’ll sleep better. Once you have a significant other, they will sleep better too. While we’re at it, getting a headboard is also an excellent way of announcing that henceforth you have too much dignity to live like a hobo.
1. Things For the Kitchen
Remember when you woke up this afternoon and decided to eat a few slices of bacon off of a Frisbee because there weren’t any plates around? Yeah, those were dark times. A proper gentleman would have eaten those slices of bacon off of a plate, you see? Aside from getting yourself some decent plates and cups. When we say “decent” we are telling you to ditch those plastic Burger King Alvin and the Chipmunks promotional cups that you had collected when the movie came out in 2007. Get some good knives too. And a proper cutting board since those knife marks that grace your kitchen counter are ever so unseemly. As an added bonus, all this new kitchen gear might just turn you into a master chef, am I right?