Looking for advice on what to eat to make you feel happier? According to science, eating things like blueberries, Greek yogurt, avocado, salmon and dark chocolate are key Among other things, it has to do with the essential amino acids and other things that the brain uses to produce serotonin and blah blah blah we’re done boring you with science. We at Brainberries felt it was best to look for the foods that will really make you feel happy, and we didn’t need to read any silly scientific journals to find the answers. Instead, we rely on good, old-fashion common sense to compile a list of 10 foods that are sure to make you feel great. Oh, and for this article we’re referring to calories as “happy points.” You’re welcome.
Chicago Deep Dish Pizza
You know how you fill a bathtub with a hot, steaming mountain of meat, cheese, and tomato sauce and call it dinner? That’s exactly what Chicago Deep Dish is, except the way they prepare it is far more sanitary than your methods. If you’re truly looking for bliss and don’t mind adding a few extra pounds, you simply can’t go wrong with this Chicago favorite. Keep in mind that it often takes around an hour for the restaurants to make, so remain patient and please don’t yell at the clock to move faster.
Happy points: 4000
Buzz Clucks with Mac & Cheese from Red Robin’s
What in the holy name of St. Christopher are Buzz Clucks? Huge, deep-fried chicken fingers, of course! But a hearty size of these guys won’t be a enough; you need to add a side of macaroni and cheese if you really want to reach your happiness goals. Don’t allow yourself to become overwhelmed with the wide choice of dipping sauces though. You don’t want to diminish your level of happiness, after all.
Happy points: 2,213
Fettuccine Alfredo from Cheesecake Factory
It would seem logical that if you’re going to a Cheesecake Factory, the purpose is to hunt for some cheesecake, right? But those in the know order themselves a bowl of fettuccine Alfredo when they’re in need of an emotionally uplifting experience. It starts with boiled pasta with a concoction of oil, butter, Parmesan cheese and cream poured onto it. If that doesn’t make you happy, you’re out of luck.
Happy points: 1820
An Entire Jar of Nutella
Nutella inexplicably advertises itself as a healthy product that “breakfast loves” because the hazelnuts contained within are hypothetically a healthy start to your day, but that’s only when they aren’t a mixed into a product that is primarily sugar and a gooey, chocolate-flavored substance. Mmm. Sweet, sweet sugar and goo. Have you ever tried spreading Oreo cookies onto bread? Give it a go and discover what true failure feels like. Alternatively, Nutella spreads more easily than peanut butter! So finish off the entire jar and feel like a winner again!
Happy points: 4000
Triple Whopper with Cheese from Burger King
Thinking happy thoughts is cool, especially if that thought involves three flame-broiled beef patties stacked together between two buns along with cheese and squirts of mayo and ketchup. Go ahead and ask your friendly Burger King cashier to add some bacon to the order. Don’t be weird; nobody else is going to care that ¾ of a pound of beef and all those cheese slices alone don’t do it for you. If anything, they’ll envy you for your bold decision to keep going with this.
Happy points: 1,600
Oreo Dream Extreme Cheesecake
Okay, as promised we’re ready to talk about cheesecake now. The cheesecake with the highest caloric count on the Cheesecake Factory menu is the Oreo Dream Extreme Cheesecake. It has Oreos! It contains your dreams in creamy, sugary form, and it’s an extremely effective way to turn your happiness dial up a few notches.
Happy count: 1370
Chipotle Super Burrito
This secret item menu is admittedly something of an abomination. It’s like this: drive your car/ride your horse/camel/ostrich to your local Chipotle establishment. Order a burrito with every possible item. Rice. Beans. The various meats. Guac. Sour cream. Red onions and green peppers. The Chipotle dude/gal asks, “Is that all?” and you respond, “Hell no! Wrap that sucker in a cheese quesadilla!” If just saying those words is enough to make you happy, just imagine the ecstasy that will come with wolfing the whole sucker down!
Happy points: 1500
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream
If you’ve got anything that even remotely resembles a soul, then Ben & Jerry’s ice cream definitely floats your boat. While some of their ice cream flavors create happiness better than others, it’s a universal truth that you can’t go wrong with their chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. It brings together your two favorite childhood memories: eating all of the raw cookie dough before your mom had a chance to bake any cookies and laughing at your siblings once they realize there won’t be any cookies that day. Happy yet?
Happy points: 1110. Yikes. This is pretty low compared to the others. Perchance you will consider adding a second pint?
Pumpkin Pie Milkshake
Question: What brings all the boys to the yard? Answer: Your milkshake. Doesn’t state which particular milkshake generates the highest attendance, but we’re going to go out on the limb and conclude that it’s a pumpkin pie milkshake. It’s a super festive way to achieve happiness. But since it is only available during the fall months, this is only a temporary solution to your sadness.
Happy points: 1,320
10. Entire 11lb Turkey
Planning to spend Thanksgiving all alone again? That is pretty sad stuff right there! But here’s the good news: you get the entire turkey to yourself! So that’s pretty happy times, isn’t it? Just make sure to pace yourself. Finishing off that turkey will consume a lot of time.
Happy points: 7,000! Hilariously, when I looked for the calorie count for a whole turkey, this is came back as the result if the turkey is raw. Please do the responsible thing and cook the bird first. We want you to have as many happy days as possible on this Earth.