Excited about Annoying Orange: The Movie hitting theaters this weekend? If so, shame on you because this movie doesn’t actually exist. At least not yet. And let’s never hope it does. But it probably will. See, Hollywood is always finding ways to serve us up a lame pile of doo-doo. But fortunately, there are plenty of telltale signs that an upcoming movie should be avoided at all costs. In fact, we’ve come up with a list of 10 of them. Enjoy!
1. It’s Based on a Video Game
The video game and movie are two separate mediums, intended to be enjoyed in entirely different ways. With video games, you are an active participant who gets to kill zombies and involve yourself in fun strategies. By contrast, with movies, you sit back, relax and enjoy the show. This is why it makes absolutely no sense to combine the two. Video games can have a loose plot, but when turned into a movie the studio must stick to a linear plot, and often change backstories for the beloved video game characters in order for it to make sense in the context of the film.
2. The Studio Interferes With the Movie
Directors should have significant freedom to shape the movie as they wish. After all, it is their vision. This is why it is always a bad sign when a studio full of stuffy, middle-aged executives get involved and dictates the direction of the movie. It’s usually done with the intention of creating a franchise to build sequels around, which means it comes at the expense of an actual plot.
3. It Features a Super Aggressive Marketing Campaign
Let’s face it. If a movie is really good, there’s no reason to worry about whether audiences will fill up the theater seats. But if a movie is lame, studios will do everything possible to trick enough people into coming on opening weekend before the negative reviews and word of mouth doom it. This means using flashy billboards and flooding the airwaves with commercials and trailers… and most likely spoiling the plot along the way. Not that anybody cares.
4. It Contains Terrible Casting Choices
When a movie features actors you had almost forgotten about or entire casts who have all been known for starring in really lame movies in the past, it is a sure guarantee that anything they’re releasing now is going to be equally bad.
5. It’s a Sequel to a Horror Movie
When the original, classic horror movies such as Nightmare on Elm Street and Chucky came out, the ideas were fresh and scary. But when sequels come out, you know they’re going to suck for a variety of reasons. First, there isn’t the same novelty (meaning the same idea is beaten with a dead horse) or they have to go in a really silly direction (such as Chucky marrying an evil female doll). Second, the movies try to “outdo” the original by being more violent and gory, at the expense of an actual plot. But most of all, the baddies who were defeated at the end of the first movie have to be brought back, usually in really ridiculous ways.
6. It’s a Remake of a Totally Awesome Movie
Quick. What do Psycho, Planet of the Apes, and Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner have in common? Aside from the fact that they were absolute classics. They all received remakes. Why??? A remake of a classic will always be measured against the original, and since this is an impossible task, the studio has to throw in a few stupid twists that totally ruin the point of the original.
7. The Studio Keeps Delaying the Release Date
If a movie’s release keeps getting moved back, it is a sure sign of something wrong. For instance, a studio that had originally hoped to have its movie shown during the summer blockbuster months might push it back to the fall if there are signs that it will bomb against superior blockbusters. Along the same lines, if a movie that was scheduled to be released before Oscar eligibility gets moved up in order to get a few more bucks, that’s an indication that the studio has given up on it.
8. It’s a Comedy Featuring Old Actors
The premise of these movies is always the same: you have a cast of actors at or near retirement age who want to recapture their youth, and a whole lot of nonsense happens along the way such as hookups with girls practically young enough to be their granddaughters. Oh, and of course there is bound to be a zany Viagra joke. Save yourself the time and just watch the trailers since it will include any of the jokes that are even mildly funny anyway.
9. It’s a Romantic Comedy With a Ridiculously Large Cast
This is a formula that Hollywood has tried over and over again, and 99% of the time it totally fails. Why? First, a romantic comedy is meant to center around two people for whom there is some kind of obstacle that keeps them apart. But when you throw in a whole bunch of other people (especially stars), it leaves no room for character or plot development. As a result, it’s always a complete, sucky mess of a movie.
10. The Studio Refuses to Allow The Movie to Be Reviewed Until the Last Moment
This one is self-explanatory. If a studio refuses to let critics review the movie at pre-screenings (like they did with the highly anticipated Warcraft in 2016), this is a clear indication that they have something to hide. In other words, they know the movie is super awful but want to at least get a few people to see it before it gets the dreaded 10% Rotten Tomatoes rating.
