Hey, kids! What are your plans this evening? If you answered, “Binge on Cinderella movies” then we’ve just read your mind! But with so many out there, it can be really difficult to decide which Cinderella movie you should watch because you’d actually enjoy it and which ones you’d hate but will still watch ‘cause there’s nothing else to do. Leave it to Brainberries to help you make the most informed decisions. For this article, we’re ranking these Cinderella movies from best to worst in order to fill you with a deep sense of dread as you go down the list. You’re welcome!
1. Cinderella (1950)
This Disney animated classic – the highest grossing movie of 1950 and winner of two Oscars –
still serves as an
inspiration for contemporary movies, including Frozen. And
Frozen Fever. And Olaf’s Frozen Adventure. And Frozen
II. And all of the additional Frozen featurettes, sequels
and prequels that will be thrust upon us in the upcoming years. What
really makes this stand out is Cinderella’s mice friends who sing
empowering things like, “Leave the sewing to the women, you go get
some trimming.” The only thing that keeps this movie from getting
the maximum 82 thumbs up is the lack of smoking and drunken
debauchery commonly featured in Disney cartoons at the time.
2. Ever After (1998)
As much as we would
like to declare this version of Cinderella a huge pile of human
excrement, even our level of cynicism has its limits. Set in the
Renaissance and featuring Leonardo Di Vinci in a weirdly prominent
role, critics universally praised Ever After for its acting, lead by
Drew Barrymore as the strong-willed Danielle de Barbarac (actually
calling her Cinderella would have been pretty corny) and Anjelica
Huston as the wicked stepmother. The only real knock is that this
movie doesn’t contain mice singing about how sewing is women’s
work.
3. A Cinderella Story (2004)
This movie features Hillary Duff at her height of teen popularity, back when Eminem conceded in his song “Ass Like That” that her then-under aged rear end was too young for him to admire. Anyway, this film is 100% pure garbage for so many reasons. She’s saving up money for Princeton by working at a diner? With tuition being more than $40,000/year at the time of the movie, we hope she’s got a decade to spare. Her secret online pen pal coincidentally ends up being her high school’s star quarterback who has an offer from USC? Preposterous! Her dad dies in an earthquake. The setting is San Bernardino, making that the only plausible thing about this movie.
4. Another Cinderella Story (2008)
When you say this
movie out loud, you’re supposed to roll your eyes incredulously.
Another Cinderella story? You ask yourself. Is this massive
turd of a movie really necessary? It isn’t. But that’s not going
to stop you from watching it. Set in contemporary times, Selena Gomez
plays Mary Santiago, who has a wicked legal guardian instead of a
stepmother. The evening ball has been replaced with a high school
dance. Instead of a glass slipper, there’s a Zune, the portable
Microsoft media player that was discontinued in 2012. No fairy
godmother, although portraying Santiago as a schizophrenic who sees
imaginary beings would have been kind of intriguing. No singing mice,
although it wouldn’t have saved this sorry excuse of a fairytale
anyway. The weirdest thing about this movie is the obvious age
difference between the 15 year-old Gomez and 26-year old Joey Parker
(Drew Seeley), this movie’s version of Prince Charming. Where’s
Chris Hansen when you need him?
5. Rogers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella (1967)
This adaptation
never really stood a chance. Lesley Ann Warren does a syrupy sweet
take as the titular character, the set and ugly-ass costumes rival
that of a crappy high school production, and there isn’t a single
explosion, underground fighting club or evil robot! For shame, Rogers
and Hammerstein! How many members of a theater production duo does it
take to screw in a lightbulb/put together a halfway competent version
of this fairytale?
6. Cinderfella (1960)
This filthy cesspool
of a movie claims to be a comedy, except that comedies are supposed
to be funny. This one stars the insufferable Jerry Lewis as Fella, a
male version of Cinderella (Ha! Get it?), which tells you pretty much
all you need to know. The premise is that the original Cinderella
fairytale has resulted in women having impossible expectations for
their husbands, leading them to become nagging wives. Even by 1960
standards, that’s some straight up sexist malarkey right there.
7. Cinderella (1914)
Of all the versions of Cinderella, this one is the most baffling. Imagine sitting through a 1-hour 40-minute movie and not here any dialogue whatsoever! What’s up with that? No color either! We were completely gobsmacked! We tinkered around with our audio and color settings, but to no avail. We sort of had an idea about what was going on because the scenes were intercut with text explaining what was coming out of their silent mouths. No hip-hop soundtrack either. Boy, did we ever want to call Paramount Pictures customer support and give them a piece of our mind!
