Top 10 Things You Probably Can’t Do

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What do mutants, metahumans, and that weird kid from junior high have in common? They can do things with their bodies that you can’t do. They can be either impressive, mildly amusing or downright gross. Thankfully, we don’t all need to have a genetic defect or a bad childhood to learn some of these weird skills. Some of us regular folks are blessed with the ability to do some amazing things with their bodies that are sure to draw attention at family dinner. Apart from the obvious “shooting fireballs out of your hands”, let’s take a look at some of the things you probably can’t do. The good news is, most (if not all) of them are entirely useless.

 

 

10. Lick your own elbow
Apparently some people can do this. You’ll instantly know if one of your friends is part of this select group, since they’re pretty much the vegans of weird body tricks. But at least this would help me with that horrendous elbow itch I sometimes get. I guess visiting a doctor could fix that too. It’s 50/50.
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9. Auto-fellatio
Also known as “giving up entirely”, auto-fellatio is the act of a male specimen pleasuring himself orally. It’s cheaper than resorting to prostitutes, although the shame will cost you dearly. Turns out about 2 or 3 guys in every 1000 can do this. Just another experiment I’m glad to not have been a part of. Picture related to the attempts made by the other 997 dudes.
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8. Tickle yourself
In other “why would I even want to?” news, people can’t tickle themselves. Our subconscious can predict how our moves and touches will feel. Since getting tickled often leads to reflex-kicking the living feces out of whoever does it, it would essentially mean kicking your own ass. And we don’t do that. I’m paraphrasing the science here.
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7. Do weird tongue things
This is probably one of the more common ones, though. And even Harry Potter does them when he’s not trying to defeat people without noses. While not everyone can successfully perform them, everyone can look like a complete tool while attempting them. It’s all a matter of perspective.
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6. Gleeking
No, it’s not “geeking out over Glee”. Gleeking is the official term for “projecting saliva from the submandibular gland upon compression by the tongue”, and it’s what the Xenomorphs did in Alien. Only the Xenos did it with corrosive acid, which made it a lot cooler.
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5. Put your fist in your mouth
Often considered by hormonally overdosed guys to be “hot” for obvious reasons, only a select few people can put their entire fist in their mouths. The good news is: that’s not what either mouths or fists were made for, so it’s not a big deal.
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4. Eat a spoonful of cinnamon
There’s honestly hundreds (if not thousands) of videos on YouTube showing that mortal men indeed were not meant to operate cinnamon with such gluttony. Don’t try it. Or do try it, but make sure you upload the video to the internet. I don’t make the rules.
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3. Sneeze with your eyes open
Remember when they told you sneezing with your eyes open is impossible because if you’d manage to do it, your eyeballs would pop out? It’s utter garbage, but you still can’t sneeze with your eyes open.
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2. Touch your nose with your tongue
Unless your name is Gene Simmons, this one will be a lot harder than it looks. And unless your name is Gene Simmons, doing it won’t earn you any money. It all evens out nicely.
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1. Pop out your eyeballs
Scaring kids becomes harder each generation, so you might want to give this a whirl. Sadly, not everyone can do it. If you’re one of the lucky few that can, please don’t do it in public. No one is going to have a better day because of it. Literally no one.
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