Being single is so great, am I right? No Significant Other to whine about how you never take him/her out anywhere anymore. You save a whole lot of money on dinners and trips to the cinema. And don’t get me started on the in-laws that you would be forced to visit on holidays! Why can’t they just mind their own business? Anyway, while not feeling chained to somebody might feel liberating for a while, eventually you will discover that there are a lot of terrible things associated with not being in a committed relationship. Here’s a look at eight dark realities about singlehood, if you dare!
1.You Will Die Much, Much Earlier
It has been found that the key to a longer life is to be in a stable marriage. And a vape-free lifestyle. On the flipside, people who are single can expect to die very young. In fact, a recent Harvard University study found that the average life expectancy of a lonely individual who never finds love is only around 35, compared to 75 years for married couples! Pretty scary stuff, eh? Fortunately, I’m completely making this up. I’m just checking to see that you’re paying attention. Now let’s continue…
2. Shadow Puppets Are No Substitute For Real Love
One evening you turn off all the lights in the room except for a desk lamp. Whoa! It’s like a spotlight! You’re suddenly struck by a flash of inspiration and the result is a shadow puppet show. Using your hands, you are able to create all sorts of different images. Rabbits! Wolves! Goats! They are cute! They are entertaining! You can do this these shadow puppet shows for hours upon hours on end. But you quickly learn that they don’t compensate for a real relationship. Being single really sucks, guys. :(
3. You Find Yourself Wanting to Snack on the Bus Driver
You live in a big city and have opted to use public transport instead of driving a car to work. That’s quite commendable! If only you were as determined to find a mate as you are about saving the environment. Here’s the thing: the days go by and you’re still without a partner, the daily weekday commutes with a bus driver named Rusty behind the wheel will become the highlight of your romantic life. No ring on his finger either. You will yearn to stroke his greying mustache and polish his shiny, bald head. He’ll be a tad on the portly side, but what’s a few extra pounds in the scheme of things? You will snap out of this fantasy soon enough, but the fact that you even took the time to daydream about him shows just how far you will have sunk.
4. Everybody Will Eventually Figure Out There Is No Canadian Girlfriend/Boyfriend
So you’re still single and your friends and family keep bugging you about settling down. To get them to shut up already, you make up a fake girlfriend/boyfriend. You come up with a story about how you met (through a friend of a friend of a friend), what they do (Starbucks barista, of course), and their personality traits (outgoing, intelligent, and if they are a girl, good birthing hips). Also, he/she lives in Canada and is banned from entering America for reasons you’d rather not explain. This might work for a while, but at some point when they threaten to buy non-refundable flight tickets to Calgary in order to meet the supposed love of your life, you will have no choice but to admit it was all just a ruse. So get on Tinder and find a real girlfriend/boyfriend already!
5. What others call Valentine’s Day, you just call February 14th Day
February 14th arrives and you go about your day just as you normally would. But here’s the thing: you’re puzzled by the sights of couples with all those cards, candy, heart-shaped balloons and torture devices. “What in Sam Hill is going on?” you might ask. Well, lovers call this Valentine’s Day. So now you know. And it makes you feel sorta sad.
6. You Become Notorious For Stopping Other Marriages From Happening
You know how at the end of the wedding vows the marriage official says, “If anyone objects, speak now or forever hold your peace”? You’re the one who blurts out, “I object!” It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member who’s getting married, a close friend, a co-worker, an acquaintance who you vaguely know, or somebody that you’ve never met in your life but are crashing their wedding because there’s nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon. As everybody knows, once you object, the marriage is off. The wedding guests grumble and shake their fists at you for ruining everything…again! But for you, it’s sweet justice.
7. The Tandem Bicycle You Own Merely Creates the Illusion of Companionship
Deciding it’s time to take up cycling, you opt for one of those bikes built for two. It’s all fine and dandy if you’ve got a significant other, but if you’re riding solo (both in life and on the bike) it causes all sorts of issues. People stop and stare. They wonder where that missing second rider is. Buried somewhere in your backyard? It also gives your parents false hope that you’ve found somebody. After all, why else would you have bought this kind of bicycle?
8. Ultimately, Your Only Resort Will Be to Register on a Mail-order Bride/Groom Website
Let’s illustrate it this way: you’re a lonely 23 year old guy who lives in rural North Dakota. You have a college degree, but no real prospects. You’re from North Dakota, after all. So you find the Hot Mail Order Grooms 4 Luv website where you can communicate with middle-aged women from Kazakhstan who hope to sweep you off your feet. You find one who isn’t particularly attractive, but she does own a few goats that might come in handy since your dad is a farmer. So she offers the livestock for your hand in marriage. You’re off to Kazakhstan for the rest of your life. You’re no longer single. Equally important is that you’re no longer in North Dakota. That’s like killing two birds with one stone!
